Sudden silence

27 th august I don’t know why i writing this at this point of time. But i feel like pouring down somewhere, Noor was hit today. NO not by the govt. force but by the UN forces. 29 th august   Today i got some time. I will write about everything. As i had written earlier, i was to go to the station to buy the tickets. But at the last second , noor decided to come with me. She said she went just to make sure i don’t go and join the protests with my friends. But i knew she was scared of letting me out in that volatile environment, i don’t what help that was of. Maybe if i had been strong on the Liberty of Human being part while arguing with her, we could have been peacefully sleeping in our village right now. But Noor was any day a better orator than me. Salma had come with us, she also come with us, i don’t knw why she came, she was no less than a farista or angel for us that day. I was in the station, there were unusually a larger crowd of military personals that day. They hated us...

22 nd April 2011 Raza khan, that is what the people across the streets used to call me. But my mausi called me abu and my sister Noor. I liked my sister’s name a lot, i liked being called raza but mausi wouldn’t listen to me ever. We lived in a a big city Rawalpindi, but the place we lived in was all messy,clobbered with electric poles,, wires, thatched roofs and garbage all around. Although i felt really special when   i used to return to my village, Arandui, where mausi said we and our mother were born. My mother’s name was Razia, although i never got to see her, mausi said she was very beautiful. Mausi’s parents (whom i had never seen, may be noor has, i ‘ll ask her) had left her a house. But mausi used to like living in the city, she said people in the village wouldn’t give that much money that we she used to get in the city. She was a tailor and had a shop in Rawalpindi. She had three girls assisting her, Salma was one of them. She was from our village and was one of the many...

Just one text message, three misplaced beautiful words and a sender who was a close friend till then, was enough for my 6 years of building to come crashing down into mud and stones.... The message blew everything away my love, my life, my family, my friends, everyone and everything i called mine  After getting discharged from  the hospital she  decided to leave me .She had  walked  in my life when my life was rotting in drugs n pulled me out of it and left it to rot again. I had taken a never ending leave drowned in the depth of my sorrow i had stated drinking...not actually started but going by the amount of spirit that entered my body ..may be....with no responsibilities no restriction no deadlines, i was a free soul,i knew that it wasn’t the solution but i was helpless. A month had passed, with no soul being around i longed to hear someone touch, someone listen, to someone to feel.   Draped in a red saree, she walked in the dark room. Pi...

Life is strange; many great philosophers might have said that before me, many actors might have used the same line but still this line has got an aura of its own, a weird magic in its letters that makes it so apt to describe the tale of one’s busted ass in the least possible words....................  Anita, my wife, had multiple bone fractures along with blood clotting in several organs. Miraculously, she had hopes of surviving, hopes of allowing yet another bunch air inside inside her. Bit later even that bit of strength eluded her body and she was put on ventilators. After a while, the doc called me to tell "your wife is out of danger”. I busted into tears. That was the only moment in my life when i was HAPPY; n i meant every letter of that word, every dot that made up those letters. Although i was  bit annoyed with the choice of words the doc  used, I mean, she just survived the most fatal accident what else he wanted brains coming out and hanging by nerves!!!...

  The night was right, it was gleaming bright....... the moon made its   dying   efforts to pull the strings left loose by the dead sun....but that was the night , i was to tell anita about my dark side,it   had to be....After waiting night after night, to find the precise moment,to unmask my bloody face and show her   who i was , who i really am...that face that she used to cuddle, which was the property of her   lips, had stains of some other women, reeked of some other wax unknown to her.....But the mask won’t come out, entangled by strings attached to her heart, it wanted delicate hands that would pull them out one by one, it screamed for justice...........   I couldn’t wait , i had waited for long, ..........i just couldn’t anymore....i just had to.........   I remember, one night i was about to tell her all about myshelf. On that very morning we had fought on a very trivial matter, we both knew the fire wasn’t strong enough to burn the house...

Sudden silence: A bit more : "A bit more A bit more sleep, a bit more of time in the Shower, bit more of time ..... bit more of solitude, bit more of tears,a bit more......."

A bit more A bit more sleep, a bit more of time in the Shower, bit more of time ..... bit more of solitude, bit more of tears,a bit more........of her... I always wanted to chase down my future,grab its neck, bring him to his knees and then smartly walk past by it.I dreamt of it and every single day kept getting close to it inch by inch ,inch by inch and then suddenly..... life came to a halt.it had stopped for 3minutes atleast and then.. started crawling like a snail.. a creature which uses almost 60% of its body part to move.Well, i was easily in a deeper shithole, i had to convince every 365 bones of mine, along with its fleshier relatives to MOVE.Moving from one work to another took me years. Not that i was slow,i didnt wanna be fast...i wanted to see her laugh, wanted to see those blessed saturdays,that smile she gave after cracking a cheap joke, our booze fridays, our trip to goa, my first promotion,our first night i felt immersed into them falling down.....down the to the ...

  In life, there’s    always something, that we would never value, in spite of being well aware of this realization......... we still tend to ignore it. My life seemed to have plunged into   some kind of nothingness, a lull   period, a period where nothing substantial used to happen, no big fights with Anita, no real arguments, no big smiles, i thought she knew about my affair and she was at ease with it. On the other hand kavya, the girl from my workplace, had created an amazing maze around me no matter what work i started upon it always ended in calling her up to my cabin for some kind of work and then spending the rest of the day with her. An interesting aspect of working with an ngo is that it has a completely different work atmosphere. Here when a guy talks with a female employee even for hours, it won’t ignite any kind of office gossips that normally happens in any 9 to 5 glassed cages. Yes, this is what i thought about my Ex employers, they were animal...

Sometimes it seems   our brain is the most adamant and lazy viewer, all it wants is entertainment, , all it wants is spice in what he sees and thus muddles up our preconceived notions to just abstract ideas ,our principles to lame thoughts and promises to words uttered in plain aggression . At my teenage marriage was something that   brings a new girl to your home, as life progressed it seemed as a way produce babies,a passport to get laid, soon a new word got added to the list RESPONSIBILITY, that   changed the whole dimension   to my definition of   marriage. Suddenly i was swaying away from marriage. I saw a helpless part in every women i met a part that would drag   me to my basics, clip my wings ,cut down my new found freedom , freedom from obligations to my parents ,freedom from pretending to be an ideal teenager. At no cost i wanted to lose that, at no cost   i wanted to sit down make a budget for my spending   for the next month, count eve...